For the first nine months while in my womb, I had hope. My mind told me that I would love her immediately and unconditionally from the first moment on. And I did. But, I did not know that it would grow, deepen, and mature. I thought as a mother I was supposed to love her as deeply as I ever would. Elder Holland said “[God] knows that your giving birth to a child does not immediately propel you into the circle of the omniscient”. I may have not been omniscient (and I’m still not), but I had hope to love her as best I could and hope for her to be healthy, happy and good.
For the second set of nine months while she has been in the world, that hope, while still there, has turned into resilience. We have learned together--she, learning to use her body and understand her surrounding world; me, learning to guide her as a mother and take care of her in ways never expected. Oh, those expectations! They have been met and lost. But we have learned to replace those lost with new hope--my personal definition of resilience.
9 months in, 9 months out --a big milestone. For nine months in my womb, she was perfectly protected, was flawlessly fed, readily respired and was daily dreamt about. She is still protected, fed and aided in her breathing--though not perfectly, I still dream daily about who she is, who she’ll become, why she has the trials she does, and what it means for her. And doing all of this with hope and at times when it seems to be fading it is then that we turn it into resilience.
5 comments:
Happy 9 month birthday Mary Deane!!
Ann, this is one of my favorite posts of yours. Your words and motherhood are beautiful.
Oh motherhood. I love watching you be a mother!
Your resilience awes me.
You have not propelled into omniscience, but I think you've done a few superhuman jumps in that direction over the past months. I think the way you think about Mary Deane--about her life--has made you understand how God sees us more than ever before.
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