I never know when it's going to rise up from the creases of my mind to that inescapable place. That place where I'm forced to face it. Because it is always there: CF will one day take her life. Most the time I can successfully keep it tucked in one of those aforementioned creases; a safekeeping from my heart. But, then there are those moments when I have to face it. I have to release the pressure that builds up. And then I cry. I sob. I shake. I ache deeply.
At times, I lay in the middle of the night with peaceful yet painful concern for the duration of her life, and it makes me ache for any wasted time. I turn so eager that I want to run in and wake her just to hear her happy report of every life detail. So we can sign "I love you" with our fingers. So I can feel her sweet kiss on my cheek. So she can have and feel my fullest attention and love.
I lay there making resolutions to not waste my moments with her, with each of my children. Because that's what they are: mere moments when examined against eternity. But gratefully, and do I ever mean gratefully, though mere moments here, we have forever there. And that's when I begin to see how death has and will lose its sting. It's because it makes life more cherished and beautiful. It shows me the eternal.
13 comments:
Ann, this made me cry. It was so raw and heartfelt. I love you. xo
I love you; you are inspiring and your strong testimony has always helped me. She is so beautiful and always will be. -Kat
I'm so happy you are writing. I felt the fleeting moments so deeply with my healthy children, so I often think of you and MD making the most of every story, every question, every breath. I love you both and wish you all a happy Christmas and a healthy new year.
I loved this. I needed this to put things back into perspective for me. Thank you! You are definitely one of the strongest and sweetest people I know. Love you and sweet MD. I hope I can meet your cute boys someday.
We are all so blessed to have you and your family in our lives. Your strength, honesty and humility is an example of dignity and faith through trials. Thank you for teaching us to love every moment of our life with those we love. Because, actually, none of us knows when we may lose them.
we found out (through genetic testing) that our son (who is adopted) has a neurodegenerative disease called sca3. it's like huntington's and parkinson's and cerebral palsy all rolled into one. it's absolutely horrible to watch it's progression. there is no cure and not even a single treatment. thankfully he's asymptomatic now. one day--probably when he's a teenager--he won't be. it'll start simply as a small stutter or a foot that lags a little as he walks and progress from there. just typing these words makes my heart quicken and my eyes well up with tears. i cannot imagine it happening. my very being--my soul--aches with the thought of losing him. thank you for posting this--it was beautiful to read and just what this mama needed to hear.
Ann, what a remarkable mother and woman you are! Thanks for sharing your thoughts that bless our lives who know you. We love you and are praying for you, Aunt Lynn and Uncle Dick
You are so courageous.
Thank you for this beautifully expressed reminder to live more intently and gratefully every moment we have with our family here on earth!
please tell us how things are going for you and your little ones.
Dear Ann,
I don't know if you remember me, but I did a segment on you for my blog Little Tots Big Ideas. I suddenly thought of you and wanted to check out your blog. You have a beautiful family. I pray that you will always feel the peace of the Savior. We mommies love our little ones so much, we can't bear the thought of anything bad happening. You are a brave and beautiful mom.
Sincerely,
Tina McCafferty
Hi Ann,
You don't know me but I went to High School with your Bro in Law, Ryan Dill. I know this amazing young women with CF. Her name is Mindy. Here is the link to her blog about her life with CF. If you reach out to her I know she would love to talk to you. Good Luck and God Bless You with your little girl.
http://alwaysacyster.blogspot.com
Love,Emily
I reach out...reluctantly, but offer some hope. My neighbor/friend has a daughter with CF who is a mother of three children. Her maiden name is Julie Jackson... She had a lung transplant maybe five years ago. http://www.lungsforjulie.com
You offered your heart and I thank you. xox
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