Mourning and Rejoicing

MD on her 4th Birthday

As I tucked my face into her neck, just below her ear, her shoulder met my skin and her giggle entered my ear.  I took a deep breathe in through my nose letting every scent of her comb through me.  It was sweet and salty with a hint of medicine. I tried to permanently register, never wanting to forget her scent.  Just in case. Just in case one day I would have to remember it.  

Cystic Fibrosis is a terminal illness.  Terminal is a hard word to accept.  Mary Deane’s health has become more serious this last year.  It was the first time I could actually see it take a toll on her outward appearance--circles under eyes, x-rays showing more scarred lung tissue, no weight gain, losing hair, not her happy energetic self, refusing to eat, distended and painful belly, and so on.  Three hospitalizations, two ER trips, and a surgery for a g-tube to be put in (a feeding tube that goes directly into her stomach) later and things are finally starting to settle down and we are seeing some wonderful improvements.  Along with some personal trials, all of this put me in mourning.  It’s a slow process with CF but it does kill.  I don’t know when she’ll be taken from us but I have daily reminders that this time is precious.  These reminders take me two ways--one to mourn and one to rejoice.  There is so much unknown about MD's condition that forces me to go through mourning periods knowing that I could lose her.  I don't know how to handle it.  I ache to think of the things she would miss.  I ache to think that I could possibly miss out on raising her.  It is times like these that I turn to the Savior and to the comfort  of his promised blessings and doctrine.  Joseph Fielding Smith taught: 

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: “You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.” There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

That is possible because of the Atonement. It gives me such comfort and peace.  I don't understand it or its infinite characteristics, but I have a testimony of it because I feel it in my life.  But, Mary Deane and her illness also make me rejoice.  Each day is a blessing.  I’ve learned to not take for granted the gift of life.  Especially our interaction together.  That is what life is about.  Kneeling side by side in prayer--MD eyeing Clark making sure he’s doing it right, Clark wiggling all over and Brendon and I smiling at each other in contentment.  Or when their little hand quietly slips into yours as you walk.  Or folding tiny pieces of clothing knowing the bodies they will house.  Or watching Clark take bite after bite of cucumber.  Or the kids jumping onto our bed and sleepy bodies waiting for us to get the day going.  Or MD’s sincere “I love you, mommy” when she feels particularly satisfied or understood by me.  Or hearing panicked giggles coming up the stairs and fatherly roars trailing behind.  

I think both the mourning and the rejoicing are necessary as long as they point us to the big picture--the plan that this is why we are here, to learn and grow but to have joy.  And sometimes, I experience them simultaneously like that afternoon registering her scent.  I’m slowly learning to accept the hard with the good because most the time, I recognize the good because of the hard.