Peace Comes Through Hope

I have met only a handful of other women who are mothers of children with Cystic Fibrosis. It was at the very beginning of my journey with this illness. We met at the home of our mutual social worker and we talked over dinner. I stayed quiet, listening to them chat about g-tube infections, the latest nebulizers, balancing enzyme intake, a child only eating grapes, and the likes as if it were as normal as the changing weather. I was in awe that they could talk so collectedly about something that was still so raw and new for me. I wanted emotion. For that was all I felt. I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't just get over it. To this day, I still have meltdowns. It is getting better and easier in some ways. I'm learning to accept the parts tainted with anguish as my refiners fire. Not only accept them but welcome them because I have hope, I know the big picture. My eyes went around the room focusing on each woman and wondering how they got through it without the gospel, without a knowledge of the plan of salvation and that our children will one day have a perfect body that will no longer betray them and that we can enjoy it with them, together as an eternal family.

I worry that I write, talk and think about CF too much. It is so engrained in my mind that before I eat I think, "Oh, I need to take my enzymes"! Am I crazy, or what!? I worry that people are tired of hearing my woes. But the reality is, CF is a major part of my life. I am Mary Deane's mother and I will do everything in my power to keep her happy and healthy. From minute one of the day until MD's bedtime hour (and often through the night) we are actively fighting to keep her healthy and that hopefully each treatment, each medication, and each worry will keep her here as long as He wants her here.

With this last hospital visit, I felt my hope drop. A dangerous result of letting thoughts that are not from Him seep in and rot. 2 weeks later, my repentant self is working on gaining it back. I am so blessed and feel shame in my self pity. I am immensely grateful for the many prayers said for us. We thank each one of you.

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."
--James E. Faust, "Hope, an Anchor of the Soul", Ensign, Nov 1999, 59